I was really attracted to him and I knew that he was feeling me. Things had become heated quickly and we were ready to go for it. I enjoyed his company and wanted to continue to do so but I didn’t want to have sex in order to keep him. As much as my flesh wanted to my spirit was yelling NOOOOOO. Less than a year ago I had determined that I was not going to have sex any more before marriage but here I was again about to engage in what I knew I was going to regret later.
Some ladies believe that sex will keep the man and even lead to marriage. However, other ladies know that this is far from truth. As a single woman I want to keep sex out of my dating relationships. Why, you ask? Because it stirs up more pain than gain.
Here are 4 tips on how to keep sex out of your dating relationships and help you wait until marriage.
- Set your boundaries and stick to them.
- Boundaries are protectors in life. They keep us safe as well as focused on the safe zone and aware of the danger zone. I had many boundaries in my early dating life such as: zero tolerance for abuse of any kind, a cheating boyfriend, disrespect and so on. However, I had no boundary when it came to sex. I just knew that I didn’t want to have sex. When I decided to practice purity I realized that I needed a boundary in order to help me stick to practicing purity. Just telling myself that I didn’t want to have sex any more in dating wasn’t helping me to actually abstain from it. It was a start but it wasn’t enough to be successful. Therefore, I set some boundaries. I implemented the “no kissing” boundary. Yes, no kissing. Sure I would accept a kiss on the cheek, forehead and the hand but those were the only places. I also implemented the “no spending the night” and the “no full body massage” boundaries, along with other boundaries that I knew would help me stay out of temptation’s way. If a guy I date doesn’t respect those boundaries then I’m cool with not dating him. These boundaries keep me on track in dating as well as help me weed out those bustas that aren’t worth my time. My boundaries are set and I’m sticking to them.
- Evaluate your circle and reposition yourself.
- When I was in middle school I was not a good influence to any of my friends. And guess what? My friends weren’t a good influence to me either. Birds of a feather really do flock together. We all had those kind of friends or still do. Well, when it come to keeping sex out of your dating relationships your friends are a big influence of your decisions. They are either a negative influence or a positive influence. They will either act as your accountability partner or act against your decision. I learned early on that I had to reposition myself for the life that I wanted to live. If my friends weren’t supportive of my decision to practice purity but only encouraged me to have sex, even just on special occasion like Valentine’s Day, his birthday, my birthday and so on then I had to limit my time around them. I knew that I wanted to go in a direction that many of those friends weren’t interested in going. Have you ever heard this saying before? Two people cannot go in the same direction unless they agree. Well, I changed my direction and friends that agreed came along. Losing friendships are never easy but for the ones that I lost on one side, I gained on the other side. Had I not evaluated my friendships and repositioned myself I would probably still be struggling with sex.
- Adopt the purity lifestyle.
- When I decided to eliminate sex from my dating relationships I realized that I didn’t just have to stop having sex but I had to start practicing purity. I came across Psalm 119:9 and it asked the question. “How can a young person stay pure?” The answer was in the text. “By obeying your (God) word.” I realized that sex wasn’t the root issue that hooked me. The root issue was the lack of purity. After making my vow of “no sex” in dating relationships I continued to read the urban romance novels and watch the urban romantic comedies. I soon realized that these were the very things that were holding me hostage to fornication. I had to make a decision. Either continue to fill my mind with fornication or fill my mind with purity. I chose purity. I decided to give away every DVD that portrayed fornication, even my most fave movie, and replace them with inspirational DVD’s that feed my spirit instead of my flesh. I started to write down scriptures such as Philippians 4:8 and Psalm 101:3, which speak about what to think about and what to watch. I took these scriptures and posted them on the wall right by my bed. They gave me inspiration and motivation to change what I had wanted to change for so long. The scripture also held me accountable to God especially since I now wanted to live for God and not just go to church. Purity isn’t just about not having sex. It’s a complete experience. Mind, body and soul. Adopting the purity lifestyle will not only keep you in your singleness but will also keep you from cheating in your marriage.
- Understand sex and it’s purpose.
- When I was a teen I didn’t understand the purpose of sex. I just knew that society embraced anytime, anywhere and anyplace but God embraced it for a specific time, a specific where and a specific place. Marriage. As an adult and Godly woman I wanted to do things God’s way and I wanted to know how to do things His way. In my search for finding out how to do it His way I also found out why God created sex and the purpose of sex. In my search I read and re-read and studied 1 Corinthians 6:15-20. Let me sum it up for you. “Flee fornication because your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and you should glorify God in your body.” I learned that the Holy Spirit keep us connected to God and fornication can break that connection. Through reading other text I also learned that sex acted as a bonding glue to strengthen the connection between the husband and wife. Think about sex like krazy glue. The purpose for using it is to create a stronger bond in order to keep something together. You apply the krazy glue to the object because you know it’s going to work and securely strengthen the hold. When sex happens it connects us mentally, physically and spiritually to the other person. It securely strengthens the hold. This connection happens whether we are married or not and to break that connection causes turmoil and chaos within us. This is why once sex is introduced into a dating relationship it is devastating to go through a breakup. It is basically just like going through a divorce for a married couple. We are ripped apart from being connected. When you rip things apart that was held together by krazy glue it will definitely change, possibly damage that product or even destroy the product. Me abstaining from sex outside of God’s design is bigger than avoiding unwanted pregnancies and STDs. It’s about respecting my relationship with God and avoid being bond to just anybody..
When I first started my purity journey I was DETERMINED to live a pure life. I filled my life with God constantly, throughout the day, everyday, many days all day long, in and out. I broke up with the guy I was dating at the time and even decided not to date for a few years after that. But then I found myself right back in the heat of things with the guy that I spoke of in the beginning of this blog. I couldn’t have sex. I didn’t want to go back and I didn’t want to have any regrets. I grabbed my things and left his place never to return. My purity and relationship with God was worth more than a man.
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